I'm possibly the worst blogger ever. This past year has been incredibly difficult. I'm going to try to recap, but there's a lot, and intense, and raw. I'll do my best.
After 2 years, I finally started dating again. I met someone who was a whirlwind to my heart. I was ready to pick up my life and move to NYC. Things were going great. We were flying back and forth, and Skyping every night. But then he told me that he only wants open relationships. If you're unfamiliar with what that means, he was saying that he won't commit to one sexual and intimate partner at a time. Even though TRULY open relationships are honest from day 1 about their other partners, and really what he was telling me was that he only entered into multiple, open-ended and casual relationships. My fury felt no boundaries. Once again I had been duped. He had waited 6 months to tell me that he had been sleeping with other women. Punch. To. The. Gut. So that was it. Game over. No more dating. Ever.
I was living with a roommate, scraping by, turning into a middle-aged cat lady. Dating was absolutely off the table. I was figuring out my exit strategy so I could live a hermit life. Then wham, the shit hit the proverbial fan. I never saw it coming.
My Aunt committed suicide. The dark place that was created inside her during her childhood was a hole. A hole with an appetite. I imagine she couldn't face that hole even one more day, to continue to watch it eat away what was left of her. It devoured the warmest places in her, and left only the cold and dark and angry. And she was tired. So she finally said no. Done with life. Done with her. The weight of that still rips me apart. But I get it. I know what those feelings are. I know how the darkness grows, and consumes, and ruins. It's an organism of despair.
To be honest, I never really got a chance to know her. She had been rejected when she told my grandparents she was gay. I had only seen her three times in my entire life. But I felt us to be kindred spirits, even in my youth. I, for some unknown reason, even kept a little photo of her that I found in my family basement. So when I found out how and why she had died, my anger and regret and uselessness rose with vehemence. These were blows within blows, coming one after the other. It rendered me a complete wasteland of words. I had no idea how to even talk to my Dad, who had just lost his sister. I'll tell you one thing, it sure as hell broke the inertia. Her death made me remember I was still alive. I suppose that's always the irony in tragedy, isn't it?
The week she died I dove head first into a new relationship. It had been a year...or maybe even two since my partner of several years left. And a month at most since my NYC fiasco. I was desperate to feel real, and have regular human contact. It was inevitable. I latched on to it with a vice grip, trying not to look the maw of death square in the eye. But it was impossible. She made it impossible. And I love her for it.
I owned my own life. I stopped relying on other people to define what my life was going to be. I ended the new relationship shortly after it had begun. It was an attempt at a band-aid when I needed a cast.
I sold my house. The house that was too big, too expensive, full of echoes of family that wasn't here anymore. I sold it, and took the nearly doubled profit to the bank. Literally. I bought a house that is 1/2 the size. It's not tiny, but it's modest. I almost had enough to pay cash for it, but had to take a very small mortgage. But it's exactly what I need. Part of my Aunt's legacy was leaving all her possessions, crafts, and finances to my dad, one of her only allies left on Earth. Through him, he passed on her gifts. Through her death, my life continued to morph into what I had always hoped for, but couldn't make possible on my own. I owe her everything.
I gave my ex the car I had been driving, which he had purchased, and repaid him the downpayment on the house. I got out from under the mortgage. I took my Aunt's car (where she had actually died), and decided to love it with the entirety of my being. Her gifts of pottery, jewelry, and paintings now fill my home, which she is responsible for making happen. I'm so conflicted, and anguished, and grateful to her I can't even process how much she has impacted my life.
My new home is just what it needs to be. Simpler. I've started replacing my home items with higher-quality artisan items instead. With the money I'm saving on my mortgage, I can now afford to support othert artists, to maybe prevent one of them from feeling the desperation like my Aunt did. She was a botanist, brilliant, a painter, a photographer, and a musician. And she was dying through all of it. I hope that through supporting their art, I can support their lives. Support them as a being. Love them in some small way. If my Aunt had had that, she might still be here. Or maybe the weight of her life would still have killed her. But all I can do is try.
I am giving to charities as a memorial to her. I think they're causes she would approve of.
I'm making more room for my own art of music, and for spending time with family and friends. I have plans to travel, and the finances now to do it. I know my circumstances are unusual, and I thank the Universe every day for all the ways it's been enriched by her. But sometimes you have to look at the path that's presented, and walk it. Even if it's full of obstacles. Even if it tears you down so you have to examine your core. Maybe exactly BECAUSE it does those things. Look around at the signs. See where the Universal arrows are pointing. Follow them. Always follow. The right choices are there. The simpler, easier life is there. It's a matter of opening our eyes to the possibilities of health, happiness and wholeness that keep us going forward. Or not. The choice is ours. And I, for one, have that vice grip on Life. All of it. Even the parts that are hard to look in the eye. I look, and I wait, and I love.
Saturday, August 20, 2016
Thursday, July 10, 2014
Happy anniversary
It's been nearly 1 year to the day since I wrote my last post. I realized today that I hadn't visited this blog site since then, and the last post I wrote was never actually published.
When my partner of 3 years walked out, my life came crashing in. So today I hit the button and began to retrace my days full of changes and uncertainty, and a new passage into living life as a single person with chronic illness.
It's been an enormous adjustment over the past year, trying to sort out where I stand. I have had more strange and unexplained symptoms. I've been to a total of 18 doctors since October 2010, with my 19th doctor appointment scheduled for next week. I am now completely gluten-free, as I have discovered that it causes enormous abdominal pain when I consume it. I am still unable to find an exercise program that my body and pain levels can find tolerable. I am playing and studying more music. I'm trying to be more socially interactive. I watch a lot of documentaries, trying to forge my core values and belief system.
The house I bought with my boyfriend in 2011 is too expensive to afford on my single income. It's also too large to keep up by myself, and we were only partially through renovations when he left. I had a home that needed a lot of work, that I couldn't pay for, and couldn't maintain. Here's what I was facing:
1. Selling the house as-is wouldn't give me enough money to put a downpayment on a new place that didn't require more renovations, because of current consumer debts and realtor fees.
2. Rent or mortgage without profit from a home sale, was almost as high as my current mortgage unless I lived in a potentially unsafe neighborhood.
3. I believe in a smaller carbon footprint.
4. I love my neighborhood, and really wanted to stay here.
5. I have family to help me complete my renovations both physically and financially, until I can sell.
6. Living alone when you're feeling unwell can be exhausting. I thought it might be helpful to have someone who can help out with chores and errands if needed.
So my roommate moved in near the end of February this year. She, her cat, and a household full of stuff. It's easier financially, but I'm finding my values are still shifting, and not necessarily in ways that agree with her lifestyle and values. She doesn't share my same desire for simplification and environmental stewardship. She leaves all the lights on in the house, and all her electronics plugged in (which is unsafe and drives me bananas). Until and unless we're on the same page, I'm never going to feel like I'm living within my value system.
I think there are a number of things that started it, but I have become increasingly interested in Tiny dwellings. During my recent onset of new symptoms, I have been forced to stay in bed for days on end. During this time I started thinking about the storage shed on my property. Could it be converted into a Tiny dwelling? Could I take my 2600sqft house full of stuff and compress it into 200sqft? I feel with all my heart that this is the right thing to do. I can't explain it, but I feel I need simpler living. I know this is a current trend with Americans, and I find myself hungrily researching options for stationary or trailer designs as I rest in bed. There are documentaries, magazines and This Old House episodes all dedicated to the topic. But how can I get there on my own?
I have two portions of rooms left to renovate in the house before I can afford a new roof. I am proposing that once the main house is done, I'm going to put all future money into the Tiny project. I'm going to compress my life into luxurious, handmade but only essential items. I want to be surrounded by simplicity and comfort, as much of my time at home is spent in bed. I want to keep the primary home as insurance against personal hardship, but rent it out. This will allow me to stay in my neighborhood, start moving towards my current value system, and giving me complete financial freedom. Also, my current house has a new dance studio that I have just about completed, that I would want to keep. It has an exterior entrance (intentional), so I would be able to keep access to it as well. I can still dance, and play music, and store my music/dance equipment in that room as I adjust to 200sqft of life. I feel like this is absolutely the right answer for me.
I started asking green and Tiny contractors about zoning/coding. I remain hopeful that I'll be able to undertake this new adventure. Meanwhile, I'm awaiting new diagnosis, and hoping the prognosis is positive. There is still a transitional period I'll have to make it through before I feel like I'm on track with health, happiness and home, but I'm coming closer the longer I think and feel my navigation through my life.
When my partner of 3 years walked out, my life came crashing in. So today I hit the button and began to retrace my days full of changes and uncertainty, and a new passage into living life as a single person with chronic illness.
It's been an enormous adjustment over the past year, trying to sort out where I stand. I have had more strange and unexplained symptoms. I've been to a total of 18 doctors since October 2010, with my 19th doctor appointment scheduled for next week. I am now completely gluten-free, as I have discovered that it causes enormous abdominal pain when I consume it. I am still unable to find an exercise program that my body and pain levels can find tolerable. I am playing and studying more music. I'm trying to be more socially interactive. I watch a lot of documentaries, trying to forge my core values and belief system.
The house I bought with my boyfriend in 2011 is too expensive to afford on my single income. It's also too large to keep up by myself, and we were only partially through renovations when he left. I had a home that needed a lot of work, that I couldn't pay for, and couldn't maintain. Here's what I was facing:
1. Selling the house as-is wouldn't give me enough money to put a downpayment on a new place that didn't require more renovations, because of current consumer debts and realtor fees.
2. Rent or mortgage without profit from a home sale, was almost as high as my current mortgage unless I lived in a potentially unsafe neighborhood.
3. I believe in a smaller carbon footprint.
4. I love my neighborhood, and really wanted to stay here.
5. I have family to help me complete my renovations both physically and financially, until I can sell.
6. Living alone when you're feeling unwell can be exhausting. I thought it might be helpful to have someone who can help out with chores and errands if needed.
So my roommate moved in near the end of February this year. She, her cat, and a household full of stuff. It's easier financially, but I'm finding my values are still shifting, and not necessarily in ways that agree with her lifestyle and values. She doesn't share my same desire for simplification and environmental stewardship. She leaves all the lights on in the house, and all her electronics plugged in (which is unsafe and drives me bananas). Until and unless we're on the same page, I'm never going to feel like I'm living within my value system.
I think there are a number of things that started it, but I have become increasingly interested in Tiny dwellings. During my recent onset of new symptoms, I have been forced to stay in bed for days on end. During this time I started thinking about the storage shed on my property. Could it be converted into a Tiny dwelling? Could I take my 2600sqft house full of stuff and compress it into 200sqft? I feel with all my heart that this is the right thing to do. I can't explain it, but I feel I need simpler living. I know this is a current trend with Americans, and I find myself hungrily researching options for stationary or trailer designs as I rest in bed. There are documentaries, magazines and This Old House episodes all dedicated to the topic. But how can I get there on my own?
I have two portions of rooms left to renovate in the house before I can afford a new roof. I am proposing that once the main house is done, I'm going to put all future money into the Tiny project. I'm going to compress my life into luxurious, handmade but only essential items. I want to be surrounded by simplicity and comfort, as much of my time at home is spent in bed. I want to keep the primary home as insurance against personal hardship, but rent it out. This will allow me to stay in my neighborhood, start moving towards my current value system, and giving me complete financial freedom. Also, my current house has a new dance studio that I have just about completed, that I would want to keep. It has an exterior entrance (intentional), so I would be able to keep access to it as well. I can still dance, and play music, and store my music/dance equipment in that room as I adjust to 200sqft of life. I feel like this is absolutely the right answer for me.
I started asking green and Tiny contractors about zoning/coding. I remain hopeful that I'll be able to undertake this new adventure. Meanwhile, I'm awaiting new diagnosis, and hoping the prognosis is positive. There is still a transitional period I'll have to make it through before I feel like I'm on track with health, happiness and home, but I'm coming closer the longer I think and feel my navigation through my life.
When he walked out on me
I got distracted in my life. I forgot all about this blog, all about my lofty goals of exposing American consumerism's faults. I lost track of time. My relationship was crumbling. And then he walked out. Even though it felt like my lungs were collapsing, I had known it was coming. He had told me from the early days of our relationship that he was a short-term kind of person. But his warmth, his laughter, his kindness and affection....his attractiveness to me...it all seemed worth the gamble. But that's exactly what it was.
I know there aren't any guarantees with relationships. Believe me, I've been through it all. Girlfriends, boyfriends, cheaters, bi-sexuals, crossdressers...I mean, I'm willing to look past all the neurosis because I understand we all have them. But this non-committal thing just makes me furious.
So, my boyfriend left his stuff here, and his cats, but told me he was leaving with no idea if and when he would return. And really, for most of my day I'm ok. A bit deflated in a very impatient way.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Sometimes the Obvious Is Clouded By the Pain.
One of the strangest feelings is knowing you've been doing something for yourself for a long time, then suddenly realizing how this could impact others. What this means is that I've literally been looking AROUND the things in front of me, thinking they're obscuring my view. That old saying "you can't see the forest, for the trees" is completely true for me. I know I've touched on this a bit, but I think it's worth visiting in more detail. Because really, the Universe had to hit me upside the head with a proverbial 2x4 in order to get this to sink in! I'm finally starting to see more clearly!
The first missed obviousness is related to my career. I work in a call center as a patient scheduler for a very large healthcare company. I missed 13 weeks of work last year because I couldn't stay tied to a phone at a desk without serious consequences (and pain). I used all the company's FMLA assistance available to me, and had additional days out sick besides. The truth is that my desk job is making my conditions worse, by putting pressure on my pelvis and shortening my abdominal muscles. I'm also now getting migraines from the computer work, lighting, and poor posture of sitting at a computer. But I like working in healthcare, because even though I don't function in a clinical capacity, I'm able to extend kindness and compassion to the people that I speak with. Every step of the process is difficult when you're ill. I know this firsthand, and have always tried my best to have that approach to what I do. But I feel a calling to do something more hands-on.
When I was diagnosed with I.C. and did my crazy elimination diet, I had to research night and day to find ways to provide my body with relief from the horrible onslaught of symptoms. Which, with the help of allergy testing, Hydroxizine, and education, I actually did put it into remission! I have researched heavily the following diets: elimination, low acid, low glycemic index, all natural, gluten-free, Ayurveda, and rotation. They're complicated, and overwhelming. Especially when you're abysmally horrible at cooking, and struggling with how bad you feel every day! So, when I thought about how I could help people, I immediately thought about culinary school. But it's expensive, jobs aren't necessarily easy to come by (or require you to work restauranteur hours), and really? I lack basic natural talent! Obviously this wasn't a natural choice for me. But I couldn't see anything better or more pertinent.
Prior to that I had briefly considered nursing. But I had to honestly admit that I lack the intestinal fortitude to deal with injections, IV's, and other such procedures that I had no desire to work with. So, yeah. Not so much with the nursing school either. And without culinary or nursing training, I felt like I was stuck in my dead-end, unhealthy workplace.
It wasn't until a couple weeks ago when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, that I was startled by the thought, like a voice in my head saying "find out what it takes to become a certified dietitian. NOW!". It was literally like the words fell from the ceiling, and ran straight through my brain. WHY HADN'T I THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE???!!! I had already worked as a 'dietician' of sorts in my own life, and it WORKED! I am constantly telling people who have health issues what I tried dietarily, that might help them as well! I have natural aptitude, desire, and base knowledge. It was staring me in the face, and I didn't even notice. Brilliant.
Once I started investigating, I discovered that because I work for a healthcare company, they have a tuition exchange program. They'll pay for x amount of dollars per semester towards college credits in any healthcare field, and in return I work 6 months within the company to repay that tuition. In fact, they will pay 100% tuition if I manage all A's! What a tremendous resource that I didn't even know about before!
But, as with anything in life, the best things are never free. I currently have corrective action on my record because of my excessive absences in 2012. 3 written warnings which won't fall completely off my record until November of this year, rendering me unable to apply for the tuition reimbursement until that point. However, if I'm smart about it, I can totally get in for next Spring's term! I have sent my prior college transcript to see if they'll accept my coursework for credits, and go from there. I'm a woman on a mission, that I never in a million years thought of. Sometimes I'm a little thick in the head...I know, I know...
And then there was the recent revelation that I can be involved in my dance community by playing music instead of dancing, which is intellectually enriching, still artistic, and allows me to maintain contact with the community I was once a part of. It's the perfect solution to my current dilemma. And I couldn't see that, for years. *facepalm*.
And what does all this mean, really? That no matter what you've had to overcome, you've acquired information, experience, and interest in areas that other people are also in need of. Whether it's healthcare, art, career development, or family life, it's all the same principal. You are a valuable resource! All your experiences are culminating into a wealth that can be shared with others. If you look closely at those things that have been the biggest struggle for you, surely you can start seeing ways that those things can be used to ease the struggles of others. It's all about love, caring, and seeing what you can offer. Seeing your true value, and realizing that there are plenty of others who need people like you. And in helping others, you will further develop those areas and become personally enriched in SOOO many ways.
Namaste.
The first missed obviousness is related to my career. I work in a call center as a patient scheduler for a very large healthcare company. I missed 13 weeks of work last year because I couldn't stay tied to a phone at a desk without serious consequences (and pain). I used all the company's FMLA assistance available to me, and had additional days out sick besides. The truth is that my desk job is making my conditions worse, by putting pressure on my pelvis and shortening my abdominal muscles. I'm also now getting migraines from the computer work, lighting, and poor posture of sitting at a computer. But I like working in healthcare, because even though I don't function in a clinical capacity, I'm able to extend kindness and compassion to the people that I speak with. Every step of the process is difficult when you're ill. I know this firsthand, and have always tried my best to have that approach to what I do. But I feel a calling to do something more hands-on.
When I was diagnosed with I.C. and did my crazy elimination diet, I had to research night and day to find ways to provide my body with relief from the horrible onslaught of symptoms. Which, with the help of allergy testing, Hydroxizine, and education, I actually did put it into remission! I have researched heavily the following diets: elimination, low acid, low glycemic index, all natural, gluten-free, Ayurveda, and rotation. They're complicated, and overwhelming. Especially when you're abysmally horrible at cooking, and struggling with how bad you feel every day! So, when I thought about how I could help people, I immediately thought about culinary school. But it's expensive, jobs aren't necessarily easy to come by (or require you to work restauranteur hours), and really? I lack basic natural talent! Obviously this wasn't a natural choice for me. But I couldn't see anything better or more pertinent.
Prior to that I had briefly considered nursing. But I had to honestly admit that I lack the intestinal fortitude to deal with injections, IV's, and other such procedures that I had no desire to work with. So, yeah. Not so much with the nursing school either. And without culinary or nursing training, I felt like I was stuck in my dead-end, unhealthy workplace.
It wasn't until a couple weeks ago when I was lying in bed trying to fall asleep, that I was startled by the thought, like a voice in my head saying "find out what it takes to become a certified dietitian. NOW!". It was literally like the words fell from the ceiling, and ran straight through my brain. WHY HADN'T I THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE???!!! I had already worked as a 'dietician' of sorts in my own life, and it WORKED! I am constantly telling people who have health issues what I tried dietarily, that might help them as well! I have natural aptitude, desire, and base knowledge. It was staring me in the face, and I didn't even notice. Brilliant.
Once I started investigating, I discovered that because I work for a healthcare company, they have a tuition exchange program. They'll pay for x amount of dollars per semester towards college credits in any healthcare field, and in return I work 6 months within the company to repay that tuition. In fact, they will pay 100% tuition if I manage all A's! What a tremendous resource that I didn't even know about before!
But, as with anything in life, the best things are never free. I currently have corrective action on my record because of my excessive absences in 2012. 3 written warnings which won't fall completely off my record until November of this year, rendering me unable to apply for the tuition reimbursement until that point. However, if I'm smart about it, I can totally get in for next Spring's term! I have sent my prior college transcript to see if they'll accept my coursework for credits, and go from there. I'm a woman on a mission, that I never in a million years thought of. Sometimes I'm a little thick in the head...I know, I know...
And then there was the recent revelation that I can be involved in my dance community by playing music instead of dancing, which is intellectually enriching, still artistic, and allows me to maintain contact with the community I was once a part of. It's the perfect solution to my current dilemma. And I couldn't see that, for years. *facepalm*.
And what does all this mean, really? That no matter what you've had to overcome, you've acquired information, experience, and interest in areas that other people are also in need of. Whether it's healthcare, art, career development, or family life, it's all the same principal. You are a valuable resource! All your experiences are culminating into a wealth that can be shared with others. If you look closely at those things that have been the biggest struggle for you, surely you can start seeing ways that those things can be used to ease the struggles of others. It's all about love, caring, and seeing what you can offer. Seeing your true value, and realizing that there are plenty of others who need people like you. And in helping others, you will further develop those areas and become personally enriched in SOOO many ways.
Namaste.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Smile! You're on Candid Blog!
In American culture we often think we're invincible to things that ail less developed nations. We believe that in a place where instant is normal, we'll be able to fix or undo any transgressions later down the road. But what about our teeth? Why can we eat sugar all day long, in our instant coffee, Twinkies, and frosties, but can't seem to spend time to care for our teeth afterward? Because it's not convenient. Or we believe we live in a cavity-free bubble. Well, convenience is certainly not chewing your food with your gums! As I'm constantly thinking about food, I'm also thinking about how it is processed in my body. And the first stop is between those pearly whites!
We all understand that if we don't take care of the teeth, they will become unhealthy. I really, really think we intellectually get that. But with all the products available, it's written off as a pretty small issue. Like...I can eat whatever, and the latest X Brand toothpaste will fix all my food transgressions? Not so much.
And yeah, I want to confess that even I hadn't been to a dentist since at least 2010. In my defense, I have had a LOT going on the past few years, but still! That's a lame excuse! I had 'fired' my last dentist, who wasn't particularly thorough...and his practice bordered on insurance fraud. I, like most people, am nervous about dentists. So instead of blindly picking one out of the phone book, I just didn't go. Geez, that was a mistake! But last fall my boyfriend's son went to a local dentist that his insurance would cover. This was possibly the best thing we could have done for our family. They are incredible! Lucky me, and lucky teeth!
I had 1/2 of my initial consultation completed a couple weeks ago, because it's taking forever to get through all the steps that I have bypassed since my last cleaning/exam. *sigh*. Good times. I'll go back for part 2 next week, but I thought it was important to discuss how this is working in conjunction with healing my life.
I have been diagnosed with gingivitis, which I suspected for a while. Worst case scenario for me, it will cause tooth loss. OK, I'm listening now!! I want to keep my teeth!!! But in some people, who are immunosupressed, diabetic or predisposed to cardiac disease, it can lead to heart attacks or stroke!!!! OK, so this is actually more serious than I thought. Not only are my gums ALWAYS sore, but my breath isn't that great. I have to keep mints in my purse, which I didn't have to do before. I also have receding gums with tooth sensitivity. And cavities...oh-so-many of them! Pssttt... here's the skinny on dentists. They're not all created equal! And the ones that are superior, are worth hunting down.
The initial dental visit I had was phenomenal. The hygienist 'taught' me how to correctly brush and floss. I have never brushed my teeth properly. Ever. We talked about the benefits of electric toothbrushes (in particular Oral B, or Sonicare brands). She took xrays to see if there were cavities between my teeth. She also used a small laser to determine if there were cavities on the surfaces of the teeth! I had never had this done before! Finally, she used one of the dental picks to detemine my level of gum disease, by going around each tooth and giving it a numerical rating for pocket size, bleeding, and redness. I had to limit my time to 1 hour, due to work scheduling, so there was no way we could finish when they were this thorough! Next time they're going to evaluate whether my new brushing/flossing techniques are helping, and have the dentist look at my cavities. It's gonna be several more visits before I get everything taken care of. I just know it. But that's nobody's fault but my own! My days of dental procrastination are over!
The bottom line is dental care, like anything else in our daily lives, is important to think about. It's expensive and painful to fix problems that could have been easily prevented with a little bit of education and daily care. And who doesn't want a full smile of pearly whites? Why this remains such a hassle for people boggles the mind...myself included. A cleaning costs less than $100, even if you don't have insurance. I'm sure most of us spend more on coffee every year than we would on a yearly tooth cleaning! Well, hopefully this will be a fresh start, and I'll be able to repair or reverse all the damage I've already caused. Here's to smiling more!
We all understand that if we don't take care of the teeth, they will become unhealthy. I really, really think we intellectually get that. But with all the products available, it's written off as a pretty small issue. Like...I can eat whatever, and the latest X Brand toothpaste will fix all my food transgressions? Not so much.
And yeah, I want to confess that even I hadn't been to a dentist since at least 2010. In my defense, I have had a LOT going on the past few years, but still! That's a lame excuse! I had 'fired' my last dentist, who wasn't particularly thorough...and his practice bordered on insurance fraud. I, like most people, am nervous about dentists. So instead of blindly picking one out of the phone book, I just didn't go. Geez, that was a mistake! But last fall my boyfriend's son went to a local dentist that his insurance would cover. This was possibly the best thing we could have done for our family. They are incredible! Lucky me, and lucky teeth!
I had 1/2 of my initial consultation completed a couple weeks ago, because it's taking forever to get through all the steps that I have bypassed since my last cleaning/exam. *sigh*. Good times. I'll go back for part 2 next week, but I thought it was important to discuss how this is working in conjunction with healing my life.
I have been diagnosed with gingivitis, which I suspected for a while. Worst case scenario for me, it will cause tooth loss. OK, I'm listening now!! I want to keep my teeth!!! But in some people, who are immunosupressed, diabetic or predisposed to cardiac disease, it can lead to heart attacks or stroke!!!! OK, so this is actually more serious than I thought. Not only are my gums ALWAYS sore, but my breath isn't that great. I have to keep mints in my purse, which I didn't have to do before. I also have receding gums with tooth sensitivity. And cavities...oh-so-many of them! Pssttt... here's the skinny on dentists. They're not all created equal! And the ones that are superior, are worth hunting down.
The initial dental visit I had was phenomenal. The hygienist 'taught' me how to correctly brush and floss. I have never brushed my teeth properly. Ever. We talked about the benefits of electric toothbrushes (in particular Oral B, or Sonicare brands). She took xrays to see if there were cavities between my teeth. She also used a small laser to determine if there were cavities on the surfaces of the teeth! I had never had this done before! Finally, she used one of the dental picks to detemine my level of gum disease, by going around each tooth and giving it a numerical rating for pocket size, bleeding, and redness. I had to limit my time to 1 hour, due to work scheduling, so there was no way we could finish when they were this thorough! Next time they're going to evaluate whether my new brushing/flossing techniques are helping, and have the dentist look at my cavities. It's gonna be several more visits before I get everything taken care of. I just know it. But that's nobody's fault but my own! My days of dental procrastination are over!
The bottom line is dental care, like anything else in our daily lives, is important to think about. It's expensive and painful to fix problems that could have been easily prevented with a little bit of education and daily care. And who doesn't want a full smile of pearly whites? Why this remains such a hassle for people boggles the mind...myself included. A cleaning costs less than $100, even if you don't have insurance. I'm sure most of us spend more on coffee every year than we would on a yearly tooth cleaning! Well, hopefully this will be a fresh start, and I'll be able to repair or reverse all the damage I've already caused. Here's to smiling more!
A Valentine's Ode to My Life: If You Can't Be With the One You Love, Honey, Love the One You're With
I've been a bit distracted lately. Scratch that. I've been so easily derailed that even something moderately....OOH, SHINY! Yeah. I'm a train wreck. I've been starting and stopping new posts, because I am working through some seriously intense things in my personal life. I can't seem to get all my thoughts in one place long enough to make coherent statements! I want to talk about some of this, because I think you might also find it helpful to hear my own processes!
As I mentioned previously, I am a former dancer. A bellydancer, actually. Which obviously requires the use of my currently very, very sad abdominal muscles (thanks, Captain Obvious). But that's pretty awkward and PAINFUL after 2 abdominal surgeries with chronic abdominal pain! Crisis! Panic! Arm Flailing!! ERMAGERDWHATAMIGONNADO??
I had been accepted into Atlantis World Dance Company in 2010, just before I became ill. It was the thing I had been working towards for in my artistic career. The ultimate pinnacle! To be a professional dancer, in a wonderfully talented company, with people I adore? A literal dream come true! It was FINALLY happening! Then my body said "um, no. not so much". I crashed and burned. Fast. I originally anticipated a 6 month medical leave at most. Obviously I was delusional about just how serious my conditions were. I figured it would be no big deal, but it kinda ruined my life as I knew it. OK, not kinda. It completely messed me up.
I have tried over the past several years to go back to dance classes, in a vain attempt to get myself into full dancing condition again. But it always ends in disaster. Flare-ups, serious pain or injury for days or weeks. It's depressing. It's tortuous. It makes me feel like I'm failing, or more of an invalid than I really am. So I cut out the classes, and tried yoga. Again, crash and burn. Stationary bike works OK, but can still cause abdominal discomfort. And it doesn't really help prepare me for upright movement. Even walking is tough. So, how do I get over this physical barrier, and find some semblance of a hobby/activity/non-slug-like life?
The answer is that I was looking in the wrong place. I realized it recently, which might make you think that I'm STILL delusional about my illness. OK, so I am! Hey, don't judge me! I'm just a little slow! It's true. But I assure you that this was the biggest AHA! moment of the year! I don't have to be professional dancer to still do what I love to do. REPEAT: I DO NOT HAVE TO BE WHAT I ONCE WAS TO BE OK. I have now started mentoring/giving advice to new dancers. And I am starting to play music that bellydancers can dance to! While my condition may be preventing me from dancing right now, and maybe forever, it doesn't mean I have to give it all up. I can attend performances. I can TEACH OTHER PEOPLE. I can work behind the scenes! I am still an able-minded (and partially able-bodied) person. Just not able to bellydance. That's a HUGE difference.
With that revelation in place, I signed up to attend a dance convention that I used to do every year. This is the first thing I have done, just for me, that involved me traveling since I got sick. I'm nervous, but I think I'm ready! I'll be studying music with some fabulous performer/instructors that I really admire! I have limited my convention access, so I won't be able to crash any dance classes (sooooo tempting)! I want as little reason to cheat as possible! But I'll be AROUND dancers and playing FOR them. And I'll be there with old friends, and hopefully making some new. I'll be able to increase my confidence in a different aspect of the same event. I'm bridging the gaps between my sick self and the old self, with some adjustments to make sure I stay within my current physical limits.
This is true of EVERYTHING IN LIFE. I don't know why it took me so long to apply these things to my own disasters, but even though I could clearly see this for others, it never dawned on me that I could really live life in different, yet similar capacities. It's like the Universe just smacked me upside the head and said, "well DUH, dummy. That's what I've been TRYING to tell you"!
So now I'm listening. I'm applying these principles to as many facets of my life as I can, or as I see my alternative options! Even my current job is being analyzed, but that's a topic for another day. For now I'm off to fully enjoy 2013 TribalCon, and to make the most of my life as I know it! New chapters in life are the BOMBDIGGITY! Happy Valentine's day, Lepidopteragirl. Love yourself as you are!
As I mentioned previously, I am a former dancer. A bellydancer, actually. Which obviously requires the use of my currently very, very sad abdominal muscles (thanks, Captain Obvious). But that's pretty awkward and PAINFUL after 2 abdominal surgeries with chronic abdominal pain! Crisis! Panic! Arm Flailing!! ERMAGERDWHATAMIGONNADO??
I had been accepted into Atlantis World Dance Company in 2010, just before I became ill. It was the thing I had been working towards for in my artistic career. The ultimate pinnacle! To be a professional dancer, in a wonderfully talented company, with people I adore? A literal dream come true! It was FINALLY happening! Then my body said "um, no. not so much". I crashed and burned. Fast. I originally anticipated a 6 month medical leave at most. Obviously I was delusional about just how serious my conditions were. I figured it would be no big deal, but it kinda ruined my life as I knew it. OK, not kinda. It completely messed me up.
I have tried over the past several years to go back to dance classes, in a vain attempt to get myself into full dancing condition again. But it always ends in disaster. Flare-ups, serious pain or injury for days or weeks. It's depressing. It's tortuous. It makes me feel like I'm failing, or more of an invalid than I really am. So I cut out the classes, and tried yoga. Again, crash and burn. Stationary bike works OK, but can still cause abdominal discomfort. And it doesn't really help prepare me for upright movement. Even walking is tough. So, how do I get over this physical barrier, and find some semblance of a hobby/activity/non-slug-like life?
The answer is that I was looking in the wrong place. I realized it recently, which might make you think that I'm STILL delusional about my illness. OK, so I am! Hey, don't judge me! I'm just a little slow! It's true. But I assure you that this was the biggest AHA! moment of the year! I don't have to be professional dancer to still do what I love to do. REPEAT: I DO NOT HAVE TO BE WHAT I ONCE WAS TO BE OK. I have now started mentoring/giving advice to new dancers. And I am starting to play music that bellydancers can dance to! While my condition may be preventing me from dancing right now, and maybe forever, it doesn't mean I have to give it all up. I can attend performances. I can TEACH OTHER PEOPLE. I can work behind the scenes! I am still an able-minded (and partially able-bodied) person. Just not able to bellydance. That's a HUGE difference.
With that revelation in place, I signed up to attend a dance convention that I used to do every year. This is the first thing I have done, just for me, that involved me traveling since I got sick. I'm nervous, but I think I'm ready! I'll be studying music with some fabulous performer/instructors that I really admire! I have limited my convention access, so I won't be able to crash any dance classes (sooooo tempting)! I want as little reason to cheat as possible! But I'll be AROUND dancers and playing FOR them. And I'll be there with old friends, and hopefully making some new. I'll be able to increase my confidence in a different aspect of the same event. I'm bridging the gaps between my sick self and the old self, with some adjustments to make sure I stay within my current physical limits.
This is true of EVERYTHING IN LIFE. I don't know why it took me so long to apply these things to my own disasters, but even though I could clearly see this for others, it never dawned on me that I could really live life in different, yet similar capacities. It's like the Universe just smacked me upside the head and said, "well DUH, dummy. That's what I've been TRYING to tell you"!
So now I'm listening. I'm applying these principles to as many facets of my life as I can, or as I see my alternative options! Even my current job is being analyzed, but that's a topic for another day. For now I'm off to fully enjoy 2013 TribalCon, and to make the most of my life as I know it! New chapters in life are the BOMBDIGGITY! Happy Valentine's day, Lepidopteragirl. Love yourself as you are!
Monday, February 4, 2013
9th Wonder of the world: USDA Food Pyramid
Let's be honest. For most people, the first thing that needs to change about their lifestyle is food.
Food...those evil, lovely, tempting, glutinously delicious morsels that we consume through our entire lives are something most Americans take for granted. The availability of food in the U.S. remains high. Between dollar menus, reasonable prices/abundance of grocery stores, and the plethora of restaurants down most American streets, food completely surrounds us. It's quite literally everyplace we look. Yet in spite of this, there are still many Americans (The Washington Post claimed 17% in an 2010 article) who remain malnourished, undernourished, or starving. That's not counting the obese and disorderly. In a developed country I would have expected this number to be lower. But considering the quality of our food, it makes sense. Seriously, a chocolate frosty for a buck is not better than a banana for .39. Yes, Captain Obvious, it's true. But that's what we pick, more often than not. Because we're weak. And the TV tells us to eat more frosties.
In my last post I talked about how I used dietary changes as a treatment for Interstitial Cystitis. However, I want to clarify that I am currently not following any particular diet plan. I did an uber-crazy elimination diet (more on this later, but you can read about them here) when I was diagnosed. That, along with a prescription medication, actually put my IC into remission for the time being. But the diet didn't stick because frankly, I just didn't do it right. I limited what I could eat so severely that I was cheating all the time. And I ended up taking pills that would allow me to eat all the garbage I want instead of making lasting life-changes. This is a bunch of crap, my friends. It's laziness. And again, a disregard for my own body. And to add to complications, I have spent the last few years recovering from anorexia nervosa. I was quite literally starving myself for most of my adult life...and within the past couple of years accepted that I had to eat every day. And now I'm supposed to be eating more variety? That means more food! Or does it? I have no idea what it means to have a normal diet.
The biggest problem with my current food consumption is that it really lacks any kind of focus. Like most people I know, I eat whatever is available, or cheap, or easy. This means mostly breads, fried foods and complex carbs. My vegetable intake is depressing. How do you even START to look at your diet? How do you change what you love, what you crave, or what you're USED to making?
The first step to proper nutrition (and sustainable diets) is making sure you're getting the appropriate amounts and types of foods.
Without that essential concept, any diet will have trouble standing up through moments of weakness. So let's approach this in true American style. The American dietary standard has actually been around for a loooong time. The The USDA Food Pyramid! Yes, this archaic tool we learned about in Elementary school is still around, but it's had a bit of a face lift (or maybe a tummy tuck!) as seen on their website www.choosemyplate.org. Normally I'm unimpressed with government websites, but dang. These guys really stepped it up for this one! It's PACKED with information for you, the average American.
#1 Hover over "Weight Management/Calories" tab at the top of the page.
#2 Click on "Calories"
#3 Click on "Daily Food Plan" in the body of the page content
#4 Create an account. You don't even need to include your email, so it's worth doing it.
#5 Start entering your daily foods in the food tracker. You can also use the coach to set food/exercise goals. We'll talk about exercise another day. Focus, young padawan, focus.
For example, based on my age, height, weight and activity levels, it's recommended I eat 1800 calories per day. Here's how my daily foods are broken down. But I STILL don't have any idea what 1800 calories looks like, let alone in terms of the pyramid. Time for a good, old-fashioned visual aid! Welcome to my kitchen! I have spent the day preparing these foods for you...just to show what the portion sizes look like, and how much food that amounts to daily. Please bear in mind that I am also a below-average cook. Seriously, if it's not instant I'll probably mess it up. And even then, results aren't guaranteed! All of these foods are simple, or packaged. They may not be the healthiest place to start, but they're the "easiest" options in order to meet my daily requirements. Once again, baby steps! I'm not going all organic overnight. Just not gonna happen. Besides, once you see what foods you already eat that fit into your daily pyramid, it's easier to fill in the gaps, or make substitutions for healthier options as you go. But for now, variety is the name of the game. Let's get our grub on!
Breakfast: 1 package instant oatmeal, 1 cup 100% apple juice, 1/2 cup yogurt
Snack: 2 small oranges, 1 granola bar
Lunch: 2 slices cold-cut Turkey, 1 slice American cheese and Miracle Whip on whole wheat bread and 1 snack item if needed.
Dinner: Grilled chicken/Mexican shredded cheese/red bell pepper quesedilla (small amount of butter in pan), 1/2 cup 1% milk, salad with dark leafy greens/craisins, red peppers, carrots, and 2 tsp or less of salad dressing
Dessert: 2 small squares of dark chocolate
Food...those evil, lovely, tempting, glutinously delicious morsels that we consume through our entire lives are something most Americans take for granted. The availability of food in the U.S. remains high. Between dollar menus, reasonable prices/abundance of grocery stores, and the plethora of restaurants down most American streets, food completely surrounds us. It's quite literally everyplace we look. Yet in spite of this, there are still many Americans (The Washington Post claimed 17% in an 2010 article) who remain malnourished, undernourished, or starving. That's not counting the obese and disorderly. In a developed country I would have expected this number to be lower. But considering the quality of our food, it makes sense. Seriously, a chocolate frosty for a buck is not better than a banana for .39. Yes, Captain Obvious, it's true. But that's what we pick, more often than not. Because we're weak. And the TV tells us to eat more frosties.
In my last post I talked about how I used dietary changes as a treatment for Interstitial Cystitis. However, I want to clarify that I am currently not following any particular diet plan. I did an uber-crazy elimination diet (more on this later, but you can read about them here) when I was diagnosed. That, along with a prescription medication, actually put my IC into remission for the time being. But the diet didn't stick because frankly, I just didn't do it right. I limited what I could eat so severely that I was cheating all the time. And I ended up taking pills that would allow me to eat all the garbage I want instead of making lasting life-changes. This is a bunch of crap, my friends. It's laziness. And again, a disregard for my own body. And to add to complications, I have spent the last few years recovering from anorexia nervosa. I was quite literally starving myself for most of my adult life...and within the past couple of years accepted that I had to eat every day. And now I'm supposed to be eating more variety? That means more food! Or does it? I have no idea what it means to have a normal diet.
The biggest problem with my current food consumption is that it really lacks any kind of focus. Like most people I know, I eat whatever is available, or cheap, or easy. This means mostly breads, fried foods and complex carbs. My vegetable intake is depressing. How do you even START to look at your diet? How do you change what you love, what you crave, or what you're USED to making?
The first step to proper nutrition (and sustainable diets) is making sure you're getting the appropriate amounts and types of foods.
Without that essential concept, any diet will have trouble standing up through moments of weakness. So let's approach this in true American style. The American dietary standard has actually been around for a loooong time. The The USDA Food Pyramid! Yes, this archaic tool we learned about in Elementary school is still around, but it's had a bit of a face lift (or maybe a tummy tuck!) as seen on their website www.choosemyplate.org. Normally I'm unimpressed with government websites, but dang. These guys really stepped it up for this one! It's PACKED with information for you, the average American.
#1 Hover over "Weight Management/Calories" tab at the top of the page.
#2 Click on "Calories"
#3 Click on "Daily Food Plan" in the body of the page content
#4 Create an account. You don't even need to include your email, so it's worth doing it.
#5 Start entering your daily foods in the food tracker. You can also use the coach to set food/exercise goals. We'll talk about exercise another day. Focus, young padawan, focus.
For example, based on my age, height, weight and activity levels, it's recommended I eat 1800 calories per day. Here's how my daily foods are broken down. But I STILL don't have any idea what 1800 calories looks like, let alone in terms of the pyramid. Time for a good, old-fashioned visual aid! Welcome to my kitchen! I have spent the day preparing these foods for you...just to show what the portion sizes look like, and how much food that amounts to daily. Please bear in mind that I am also a below-average cook. Seriously, if it's not instant I'll probably mess it up. And even then, results aren't guaranteed! All of these foods are simple, or packaged. They may not be the healthiest place to start, but they're the "easiest" options in order to meet my daily requirements. Once again, baby steps! I'm not going all organic overnight. Just not gonna happen. Besides, once you see what foods you already eat that fit into your daily pyramid, it's easier to fill in the gaps, or make substitutions for healthier options as you go. But for now, variety is the name of the game. Let's get our grub on!
Breakfast: 1 package instant oatmeal, 1 cup 100% apple juice, 1/2 cup yogurt
Snack: 2 small oranges, 1 granola bar
Lunch: 2 slices cold-cut Turkey, 1 slice American cheese and Miracle Whip on whole wheat bread and 1 snack item if needed.
Dinner: Grilled chicken/Mexican shredded cheese/red bell pepper quesedilla (small amount of butter in pan), 1/2 cup 1% milk, salad with dark leafy greens/craisins, red peppers, carrots, and 2 tsp or less of salad dressing
Dessert: 2 small squares of dark chocolate
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