Happy anniversary

It's been nearly 1 year to the day since I wrote my last post.  I realized today that I hadn't visited this blog site since then, and the last post I wrote was never actually published.

When my partner of 3 years walked out, my life came crashing in.  So today I hit the button and began to retrace my days full of changes and uncertainty, and a new passage into living life as a single person with chronic illness.

It's been an enormous adjustment over the past year, trying to sort out where I stand.  I have had more strange and unexplained symptoms.  I've been to a total of 18 doctors since October 2010, with my 19th doctor appointment scheduled for next week.  I am now completely gluten-free, as I have discovered that it causes enormous abdominal pain when I consume it.  I am still unable to find an exercise program that my body and pain levels can find tolerable.  I am playing and studying more music.  I'm trying to be more socially interactive.  I watch a lot of documentaries, trying to forge my core values and belief system.

 The house I bought with my boyfriend in 2011 is too expensive to afford on my single income.  It's also too large to keep up by myself, and we were only partially through renovations when he left.  I had a home that needed a lot of work, that I couldn't pay for, and couldn't maintain.  Here's what I was facing:

1.  Selling the house as-is wouldn't give me enough money to put a downpayment on a new place that didn't require more renovations, because of current consumer debts and realtor fees.
2.  Rent or mortgage without profit from a home sale, was almost as high as my current mortgage unless I lived in a potentially unsafe neighborhood.
3.  I believe in a smaller carbon footprint.
4.  I love my neighborhood, and really wanted to stay here.
5.  I have family to help me complete my renovations both physically and financially, until I can sell.
6.  Living alone when you're feeling unwell can be exhausting. I thought it might be helpful to have someone who can help out with chores and errands if needed.

So my roommate moved in near the end of February this year.  She, her cat, and a household full of stuff.  It's easier financially, but I'm finding my values are still shifting, and not necessarily in ways that agree with her lifestyle and values.  She doesn't share my same desire for simplification and environmental stewardship.  She leaves all the lights on in the house, and all her electronics plugged in (which is unsafe and drives me bananas).  Until and unless we're on the same page, I'm never going to feel like I'm living within my value system.

I think there are a number of things that started it, but I have become increasingly interested in Tiny dwellings.  During my recent onset of new symptoms, I have been forced to stay in bed for days on end.  During this time I started thinking about the storage shed on my property.  Could it be converted into a Tiny dwelling?  Could I take my 2600sqft house full of stuff and compress it into 200sqft?   I feel with all my heart that this is the right thing to do.  I can't explain it, but I feel I need simpler living.  I know this is a current trend with Americans, and I find myself hungrily researching options for stationary or trailer designs as I rest in bed.  There are documentaries, magazines and This Old House episodes all dedicated to the topic.  But how can I get there on my own?

I have two portions of rooms left to renovate in the house before I can afford a new roof.  I am proposing that once the main house is done, I'm going to put all future money into the Tiny project.  I'm going to compress my life into luxurious, handmade but only essential items.  I want to be surrounded by simplicity and comfort, as much of my time at home is spent in bed.  I want to keep the primary home as insurance against personal hardship, but rent it out.  This will allow me to stay in my neighborhood, start moving towards my current value system, and giving me complete financial freedom.  Also, my current house has a new dance studio that I have just about completed, that I would want to keep.  It has an exterior entrance (intentional), so I would be able to keep access to it as well.  I can still dance, and play music, and store my music/dance equipment in that room as I adjust to 200sqft of life.  I feel like this is absolutely the right answer for me. 

I started asking green and Tiny contractors about zoning/coding.  I remain hopeful that I'll be able to undertake this new adventure.  Meanwhile, I'm awaiting new diagnosis, and hoping the prognosis is positive.  There is still a transitional period I'll have to make it through before I feel like I'm on track with health, happiness and home, but I'm coming closer the longer I think and feel my navigation through my life. 

When he walked out on me

I got distracted in my life.  I forgot all about this blog, all about my lofty goals of exposing American consumerism's faults.  I lost track of time. My relationship was crumbling. And then he walked out.  Even though it felt like my lungs were collapsing, I had known it was coming.  He had told me from the early days of our relationship that he was a short-term kind of person.  But his warmth, his laughter, his kindness and affection....his attractiveness to me...it all seemed worth the gamble.  But that's exactly what it was.

I know there aren't any guarantees with relationships. Believe me, I've been through it all.  Girlfriends, boyfriends, cheaters, bi-sexuals, crossdressers...I mean, I'm willing to look past all the neurosis because I understand we all have them. But this non-committal thing just makes me furious.

So, my boyfriend left his stuff here, and his cats, but told me he was leaving with no idea if and when he would return.  And really, for most of my day I'm ok.  A bit deflated in a very impatient way.