I've been a bit distracted lately. Scratch that. I've been so easily derailed that even something moderately....OOH, SHINY! Yeah. I'm a train wreck. I've been starting and stopping new posts, because I am working through some seriously intense things in my personal life. I can't seem to get all my thoughts in one place long enough to make coherent statements! I want to talk about some of this, because I think you might also find it helpful to hear my own processes!
As I mentioned previously, I am a former dancer. A bellydancer, actually. Which obviously requires the use of my currently very, very sad abdominal muscles (thanks, Captain Obvious). But that's pretty awkward and PAINFUL after 2 abdominal surgeries with chronic abdominal pain! Crisis! Panic! Arm Flailing!! ERMAGERDWHATAMIGONNADO??
I had been accepted into Atlantis World Dance Company in 2010, just before I became ill. It was the thing I had been working towards for in my artistic career. The ultimate pinnacle! To be a professional dancer, in a wonderfully talented company, with people I adore? A literal dream come true! It was FINALLY happening! Then my body said "um, no. not so much". I crashed and burned. Fast. I originally anticipated a 6 month medical leave at most. Obviously I was delusional about just how serious my conditions were. I figured it would be no big deal, but it kinda ruined my life as I knew it. OK, not kinda. It completely messed me up.
I have tried over the past several years to go back to dance classes, in a vain attempt to get myself into full dancing condition again. But it always ends in disaster. Flare-ups, serious pain or injury for days or weeks. It's depressing. It's tortuous. It makes me feel like I'm failing, or more of an invalid than I really am. So I cut out the classes, and tried yoga. Again, crash and burn. Stationary bike works OK, but can still cause abdominal discomfort. And it doesn't really help prepare me for upright movement. Even walking is tough. So, how do I get over this physical barrier, and find some semblance of a hobby/activity/non-slug-like life?
The answer is that I was looking in the wrong place. I realized it recently, which might make you think that I'm STILL delusional about my illness. OK, so I am! Hey, don't judge me! I'm just a little slow! It's true. But I assure you that this was the biggest AHA! moment of the year! I don't have to be professional dancer to still do what I love to do. REPEAT: I DO NOT HAVE TO BE WHAT I ONCE WAS TO BE OK. I have now started mentoring/giving advice to new dancers. And I am starting to play music that bellydancers can dance to! While my condition may be preventing me from dancing right now, and maybe forever, it doesn't mean I have to give it all up. I can attend performances. I can TEACH OTHER PEOPLE. I can work behind the scenes! I am still an able-minded (and partially able-bodied) person. Just not able to bellydance. That's a HUGE difference.
With that revelation in place, I signed up to attend a dance convention that I used to do every year. This is the first thing I have done, just for me, that involved me traveling since I got sick. I'm nervous, but I think I'm ready! I'll be studying music with some fabulous performer/instructors that I really admire! I have limited my convention access, so I won't be able to crash any dance classes (sooooo tempting)! I want as little reason to cheat as possible! But I'll be AROUND dancers and playing FOR them. And I'll be there with old friends, and hopefully making some new. I'll be able to increase my confidence in a different aspect of the same event. I'm bridging the gaps between my sick self and the old self, with some adjustments to make sure I stay within my current physical limits.
This is true of EVERYTHING IN LIFE. I don't know why it took me so long to apply these things to my own disasters, but even though I could clearly see this for others, it never dawned on me that I could really live life in different, yet similar capacities. It's like the Universe just smacked me upside the head and said, "well DUH, dummy. That's what I've been TRYING to tell you"!
So now I'm listening. I'm applying these principles to as many facets of my life as I can, or as I see my alternative options! Even my current job is being analyzed, but that's a topic for another day. For now I'm off to fully enjoy 2013 TribalCon, and to make the most of my life as I know it! New chapters in life are the BOMBDIGGITY! Happy Valentine's day, Lepidopteragirl. Love yourself as you are!
This post really resonates with me. It's so tough when you have this plan for your life, and everybody assures you that things will work out, and even you feel they just have to, because you want this more than anybody else has ever wanted it. And then your body makes it impossible. Adjusting your focus so that your life doesn't feel like a total loss is so tough. I can't help but feel envious of those who have never been through something like that. <3
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